Fnatic.Era: “I had tunnel vision on TI4 without first considering my actual condition.”
The events of the past two days and the now public dialogue between Fnatic and Valve concerning the condition of carry player Adrian 'Era' Kryeziu and his ability to take part in the upcoming The International 2014 have been a public airing of the misunderstandings that may arise in such a confused and stressful situation. Some may say this exchange should have been kept private, but as events unfold it becomes clear that as each party is forced to formulate their arguments to the public as well as to their counterparts, new information is coming to light, as the natural stigma concerning mental illness has to give way for the sake of true understanding.
In this spirit, Era now speaks for the first time on his condition, in a statement he has just released through Fnatic. His account speaks of a young man who has gone through more than most of us can imagine, struggling to come to terms not just with this illness but with dealing with his hopes, his fears, his love for his teammates, confusion, isolation, uncertainty regarding the future and above all else, his continued wish to compete, even as he realizes that it may not be in his best interests.
His account is sure to ring true to any who have pursued sports for themselves, as the first reaction to any new injury is to downplay it and try to fight through it, because you do not want to let the team down and because you do not want to accept that there are any limitations. You want to compete, and in youth we tend to believe that our will can be imposed on reality, and that if we want it hard enough the injury will give way and we will be able to get back out on that field as if nothing ever happened. It is only with experience that we come to realize the true care such an injury requires in order for recovery to take place. And that is also the case with mental illness.
Hi friends!
I believe that my personal statement on this matter has been long overdue. However, please understand that I have avoided publicity because I have been focusing on my recovery.
I am finally writing because there are misunderstandings that need to be clarified. The most glaring of these is the email I wrote to Valve on Friday, June 13th.
At this point in time, I had not seen my doctor more than once--this means I had not been treated with therapy or medication yet. I was home, in a very frustrated and confused mental state; frustrated that I had worked so damn hard this past year for nothing, and confused on what I should do about it. I had a Skype call with my teammates. All of us were at a loss. We had never encountered a problem like this before in the years we had been together, so we had no idea how to handle it. I misunderstood what they were saying to me about how to handle TI4 (like being potentially replaced); I just wanted so much to play! So in my despair I did what I thought was best, which was to contact Valve directly and see what my chances were.
Writing Valve on the 13th was irrational on my part, I’ll admit. I had tunnel vision on TI4 without first considering my actual condition, whether or not I’d be physically capable of traveling and playing by July. I felt that my dream was about to crumble around me so I struck out without thinking.
Afterwards, I stayed in constant contact with Patrik about my ongoing condition. I saw a therapist many times to see if physically attending TI4 would even be possible. After about a week of visits, it was concluded that traveling would be too stressful and may prolong recovery and it would be better to stay home.
I told this to my teammates in a follow-up Skype call. I told them that I was OK with Steve (Xcalibur) replacing me if that was possible and that I hope it was possible-- I just really want to focus on getting better. We really cleared the air; we understood each other’s perspectives and just wanted to move forward. I even sent Valve a private email on June 18th where I said that it would be better for Xcalibur to take my place.
To be honest, this crazy situation that everyone is fussing over is stressing me out even more. I am faced with pressure on all sides and it feels like any direction I take, I will be disappointing someone. Do I choose to miss out on a future career? Do I ruin my teammates’ chances for the sake of myself? Or do I choose to ruin my health for the sake of others?
Currently, I am on the road to recovery. I was able to play some Dota2 this past week without feeling the anxiety, but I’m still not confident. I’m scared of having the same thing that happened when I traveled to London to happen again if I go to TI4 with my body being anything less than 100%. I am not on medication, as my therapist told me I am improving quite well on my own, but what I need most is time for my body to repair itself. This is best done by stepping away from the stress that is constantly going on in the scene.
I don’t want to be a hindrance to anyone or ruin others’ chances. I will try my best to go to TI4 if Valve’s decision cannot be changed, but I would be jeopardizing my chances of playing post-TI. At the end of the day, while I may physically get to Seattle, I may not be able to compete and also extend or damage my recovery process.
I want to apologize to Valve for writing an email before I had my facts straight. It was wrong to contact them without confirmation and final details from doctors and such. I acted irrationally because I wanted TI4 so much.
Also, shoutout to Fnatic and my teammates. I just want all this madness to be over. All I want is for the guys to go to TI4.
Cheers,
Adrian ‘Era’ Kryeziu
Sources: Fnatic.Era's Statement and article.
