Hao’s introspective declaration of love and ambition

Yesterday, NewBee's Hao posted an introspective declaration of love and ambition for all the world to read. It's a reminder for us that behind every nickname and ID is a person with their own history, goals and ambitions. For the Chinese, these histories and goals are often miles apart from what we may be used to in the West, which makes this all the more interesting if you were interested in learning more about Hao.

"Growth" (original link on Weibo)

I am unsure of where to begin, I am not well-read and my writing isn’t great, so please don’t laugh at me when reading this. My family was never very well off, from when I was little to now I’ve always liked playing games. Not because I don’t want to learn more, but because I had no way. I wanted to go to school, but our family conditions did not allow it. I remember when I was little, mom said before, if I can test into university, then no matter how hard, she would help me pay for it.

But, I’ve always had a thought inside me, a feeling that going to school wasn’t the future for me. If I wanted to make it somewhere and be someone, I must rely on myself, no one else would be able to help me. I wanted to make it to where I had what I wanted, I need not worry about what to eat, what to wear, what I needed. Yet I was born into the life, this was my life. I started playing professionally in March of 2011, and before this, I had been very lost as to my life. I didn’t know what I should do, but I knew I wasn’t satisfied with being just average. I hid my professional career from family.

I remember when I first came out. At that time my mom was telling me to go to Guizhou for a job, but I secretly bought a ticket to Wuhan and chose to join Nv to play professionally, because I felt that this was a chance for me, a chance for me to change my life. Only this way could I find success, and thus I secretly went to Wuhan without telling my family in order to compete. At first when they found out, they were not agreeable, but slowly they realized that this was my dream, and they no longer tried to stop me. They knew that they couldn’t help me much, and I could only rely on myself. Over three years of competing, I’ve been hopeless before, helpless before, and had even thought of giving up before.

But I did not, I persevered on. Only with perseverance comes success. And nowadays, my family all support me, agree with me and feel that my chosen path is not wrong. Let’s talk a bit more about my mom, who has been truly great to me. The things she’s undergone for me, I don’t want to speak too much about, but every time I think of it, I want to cry, my heart hurts for it. When I was little I couldn’t do anything, I could only watch as my beloved mother went and quietly suffered everything for me. When I was little I set myself a goal, if I was able to make money in the future, I would absolutely not let my mom suffer any longer. I hoped that I would make her proud as a son, someone she could be proud of talking about with others. I would give her the best. Mom, I love you, thank you for all the caring these years. Let me care for you now.

Lastly let’s talk about my own life. I had a girlfriend at first, two and a half years, but in the end she left me. At that time I couldn’t live on anymore, I even had thoughts of ending it right there. But every time I thought of my mom, I would rid myself of those impulses. She only has me, what would she do without me? Afterwards, I had many different girlfriends, but they all fell apart in the end, whether because of different personalities, or them leaving me, or because we were the right ones for each other but at the wrong time… Honestly trying to maintain a relationship whilst competing is the worst, I had discovered this last year, so prior to TI3 I did not have any. The result from this everyone was able to see, our results were amongst the best in China last year. But this year, it’s close to TI4, and I’ve got another love. Why would I do this even if I clearly know it affects my professional career? Because I truly love her, I cannot be without her. We met last October, through Weibo. Maybe many of you think this is ridiculous, meeting online, then being together, and now we can’t separate… I am not making this up, I truly love her and treat her well, I can give her the best, I can give up anything to be with her. I love her. But because of various reasons it’s hard for us to be together, yet I don’t want to give up, I truly don’t want to give up, I will be good to you. Please believe me, and I ask each of you to be my witnesses.